thinking..

death and dying= jodi realizes she doesn't know how to deal with it... seriously running is my mode of operation or trying to somehow not let it touch my heart, be strong.. and not let the reality sit with me too long... literally when i was in high school i just ran out the door and RAN when i heard about my grandma who my dad had just talked to..
i've lost a grandpa at age 12, my grandma when i was a senior in high school, and my other grandpa just a few years ago.. and others that i loved but it's like i just really don't know how to cope with it...
So now as i see this family that i love facing death i one more time think Jesus let me not run, let my heart not be built up with a wall but instead LIVE life in the moment and savoir the time..

I miss my grandpa so much.. so much sometimes that i have dreams and think i can just go back to his house and see him... and yet i'm filled with thanks for all that he did to show me how to live life and love Jesus, and never lose the joy of living even when life gets tough...
so why do i feel stuck at the moment.... i just do... and I don't know why.

it's not like i'm dying, yet i feel so confused, and not sure what where life is going, and what Jesus wants of and for me, and how to just do daily life, and not get stuck by little things like being sick or i dunno Oh Jesus I don't want to miss the big picture... i don't want to be so small minded...
Help me God to be yours..... and live that way...